Sickipedia why is 6 afraid of 7

My roommate sent this to me and I laughed so hard I fell out of bed. It was like 5 minutes after they found the boy. I submitted it a day or so later and it just now posted. Or atleast turning my volume off. So did he pay you to shut up and defend hima after he fucked you along with some other 10'year olds? Or do you just wish that he had raped you?

Wanna harass a real piece of shit? Wow; original? I think NOT. U can all shut the fuck up about michael. He's the best entertainer of all time. That's all that matters. This, not so much. True genius in this man.

Not a woman becaus women would probably bitch about it or something. It was a fucking joke. It was funny. Go take a fucking Valium and sleep it off emo bitch. I don't care if it was on twitter, if I wasn't taking a dump right now i would have crapped my pants laughing. If you really think this is inappropriate how about what he did to those poor kids? Which is more inappropriate? It's insane what you can get away with when you have tons of money Careful who you defend in this world.

MJ wasn't really found innocent It means that there was not enough evidence to prove 'beyond a reasonable doubt' that you're guilty. Basically, you had really good lawyers, who paid to keep out all the incriminating evidence. Ya, it takes a small gate and an untraveled path to get to heaven. Whether Michael Jackson made it there or not, we should be careful ourselves. Since it is only by faith and not by works to make it into heaven, then we can make it there, and escape hell's grasp. Give a little respect to God, to that boy and to Michael Jackson, evaluating ourselves first!

Best entertainer of all time? What the fuck are you talking about. Michael Jackson isn't even close to that. There are hundreds of people more deserving. Phuck the poster of this MSG. His estate still has more money than you will ever make in your lifetime douche. If your gonna fucking stoop low enough to trash MJ on here you all need to go suck a fucking dick. Fuck you bitches. He was cleared and found innocent so fuck all you assholes you need to go slit your wrists.

I looooove Michael. If he molested children who knows. But he makes damn good music and who purposely let's their kids have a sleep over with any grown ass man.

They were like "who cares let it happen, he has money. Yeah women suck. Hey look I'm a woman I can't drive for 15 minutes without hitting something and I bleed for 7 days but don't die.

Fav Comments You must be Logged in to post a comment haha ah its reassuring to know michael jackson pedophile jokes will still be possible post death. Submitted by Anonymous on Oct 20, 09 at pm. Hahaha i don't care if it was on Twitter last weeek it's still hilarious.

Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 13, 10 at pm. Submitted by Anonymous on Oct 22, 09 at am. Submitted by jamieaiken on Apr 23, 11 at am. Michael Jackson didn't go to heaven! Submitted by jjscantland on Jul 3, 10 at pm. Submitted by hannahcowgirl on Apr 24, 10 at am.

This was in my schools news paper today lol. Submitted by Anonymous on Oct 21, 09 at pm. I named my penis Jesus. Jesus loves you deeply. Fuck u Michael jacksons tha shit u could su ck on my dick. Submitted by Anonymous on Oct 25, 09 at pm. Submitted by Anonymous on Oct 21, 09 at am. Submitted by Anonymous on Jun 5, 10 at am.

Submitted by yankeefan4eva25 on Jun 28, 10 at am. Built ford tough Submitted by Anonymous on Oct 29, 09 at pm. Be nice to Michael. He never harmed anyone. Submitted by kgraham21 on Mar 27, 10 at pm.

Balloon boys dad is a jackass! Who would make there kid do that?! Submitted by Anonymous on Feb 5, 10 at am. Fucking hilarious! This is now my 2nd fav joke about Wacko Jacko. Submitted by Anonymous on Oct 24, 09 at pm.

Yea now michael Jackson has to do carryout. Why do women wear make-up and perfume? What do you call a Serbian prostitute? Wiping the blood off the hammer. It must be your feet then. You only have to punch the information into a computer once. What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? What should you do if a bird craps on your car? Never take her out again. Fact: men make jokes about it to cover their fear. Fact: women know this and find it pathetic. What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

The basketball team showers after four periods. Why do women have periods? Because they fucking well deserve them! What has two legs and bleeds? Half a dog. Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss after you eat. How did the Red Sea get its name? Cleopatra used to bathe there periodically. Women of 35 think about having children.

What do men of 35 think about? Fucking children. What did God say after creating man? How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends! How do you get a man to do situps? Glue the TV remote between his ankles.

To stop the snoring before it starts. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about was legs, breasts and thighs.

Why do men want to marry virgins? What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? I went to the County Fair. They had a man born with a penis and a brain. What do men have in common with toilet bowls, anniversaries and clitorises? Why do men name their penises? They miss them all. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions. What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? Did you hear the one about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?

He had it bronzed. How is a man like a snowstorm? Why do men like masturbation? Why did God create man? Why is an impotent man like a Christmas tree? They both have balls for decoration. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common? Who cares! Bummers are funny. Does that make us gay?

Fantastic, then we can make gay jokes with impunity! A sharp stabbing pain in the rectum. He gets a hard-on when you fuck him up the arse. How many homosexuals does it take to put How do you get a gay man to shag in a light bulb? Only one What did one homosexual say to the other in a bar?

How do you get four homosexuals on a bar-stool? Turn it upside down. What is the hardest thing about roller-blading? What do you call a group of lesbians in a field of dildos? Why are ghosts gay? They put the willies up each other. Jews are useful… not like the French. He should have gassed the French.

Why do Jews have big noses? Air is free. Why do Jews have double glazing? What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall? He breaks his nose. Someone who likes girls more than money.

A nun with a javelin through her head. Why is the Bible like a penis? You get it forced down your throat by a priest. He has holes in his hands. It only takes one nail to hang a picture. How do you get a nun pregnant? Rape her. Two Muslim extremists walk into a bar. Now and zen… Oh Christ! Who writes Oh pity the poor ginger, your best role model is Mick Hucknall this drivel? Sack us now! So kids, say it loud! Did you hear the one about the Zen Buddhist who called to order a pizza?

A woman has just given birth in the hospital. When she wakes up from a long sleep the doctor approaches her. I mean What do you call a ginger Goth? See how well that goes down in a boozer on the Old Kent Road.

What do you call a white guy dancing? A seizure. A chav girl goes to the doctor complaining of a strange green rash on her inner thighs.

What key can open any lock? A pi-key. What is the chav boy next door getting for The cleaner. We call him the Milk Sheikh.

However, a gun seemed a funny method of payment. A: Double Cheese Burkha. Q: What do you call two smelly Muslim women with slices of cheddar on their heads? A Double Cheese Burkha with Flies. I call it Dill dough. I can almost picture it perfectly… A young girl holding a can of Dr. Which makes going to Starbucks a little awkward. It was in my Big Mac meal. A girl I use to know did just that. I apologized and said I only had Swiss cheese. He went emmental. There was also far too much Parmesan on my spaghetti.

My mum made a mean chilli con carne. I like Kebabs. Drank 20 cups of it in 10 minutes. I was opening the jar and then … JAM! I love bacon so much, when I eat it I get a lardon. If time is money then instant coffee should be free. But if they did it would probably be the cheapest, nastiest lager in the world.

I love a bit of girl on grill action. I left his armbands at home and naturally he started to worry that he might sink to the bottom of the pool. Disaster averted though, I ran to the vending machine and bought two bags of Walkers crisps and tied them to his arms.

To put them in a good mood, he pulls out a bucket of fried chicken. I see that whoever directs KFC commercials is a Sickipedia. Does this mean they've reduced the contents to just 1 Food and Drink. Pot Poodle!! I went out for a meal last night and ordered everything in French. I surprised everyone. It was a Chinese Restaurant. Limp biscuit. Sales dynamite. Do you think in china they have English people delivering fish and chips to their door via moped?

Which is why I have to Wispa. Yesterday I took it out for a spin and crashed into a lorry full of warm water. Luckily the back of it is fine, but the front is al dente. Bland salad…. A trifle. With choux polish. I see that you liked your first chin so much you decided to add another. My idea of the perfect date is a woman who pays for dinner without actually showing up at the restaurant. Chinese restaurants: Try and cheer your customers up by putting the bill for their meal inside a fortune cookie.

Out of date bacon. How about cheaper? Just one, my wife. This really is just too easy. Or Pepsi as some people call it. Yeah they have really got this Christmas thing spot on. Fight the Power! Thinking back, beef would have been better. Now I have to decide whether to educate her about periods, or have the whole carton of juice to myself next time.

Does Brawn now give you springs? I just got back from the future… are Wagon wheels ever small. Africa, the only place in the world where you get a pint of flies and your beer lands in it Food and Drink. Try our weekly challenge so why sell them in packs of 6? A curry for two from Asda. This is the worst roast dinner ever. I prefer to call the alcohol menu at a restaurant a spirit guide. I keep all my puff pastry recipes in alphabetical order in my Filofax.

He records it on a taco graph. Egg fried rice or Chicken fried rice? Every time they had the same delivery driver. Just seen that new breakfast cereal for people with speech impediments. I think Rice Lispies are going to be big. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could. He was taken to emergency at the hospital, and rushed away.

After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through. I told her I knew this fantastic place that does really authentic Native American food. Apparently they have McDonalds in the US as well. Once I popped open a can of Pringles. Then I stopped. I had to lead him over to the Turkey.

McCain can make decent chips. This could save Bernard Matthews a fortune. I got drunk last night. Since the Wife left with the kids I feel as lonely as a Walkers crisp.

What arrived at my table was gristly, oily and tasteless. To an engineer, the bag is 32 times as big as it needs to be. So I took the wrap for him. Did you make it yourself? The horse proved to be a bit trickier though. I went for a curry last night and ran out of the curry house without paying, when i got back home I was on the toilet for hours.

The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Hans, kill that squid! That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid! They gave me some chopsticks and a goldfish in a bowl. So when I told her my order I raised my voice a little bit, spoke very clear, and talked s.. The wife must have been keeping food in the wrong freezer again.

Guinness: putting dirty black stains on the toilet bowl since ! Left a large bag of those chocolate and toffee sweets in my car in the hot sun. It was a club sandwich. I was disgusted to find some sort of chargrilled potato right at the very bottom. Milk, sugar and tea bags. Stupid cow. Or as I like to call it: Hangover eve.

The only place you can play Monopoly and win a heart attack. At last! But yesterday I decided to rustle something up for the wife when she came in from work. Well, I read the first sentence at least. I needed a camera with a huge zoom so I phoned up McDonalds and asked them what they use to show burgers on their adverts Food and Drink.

How long do pies stay edible? Producers of microwave meals, to save adding flavour to your product simply double the required cooking time. This will allow the consumer to enjoy the taste of burning flesh as it peels away from the insides of his mouth.

My first job is to arrange the Annual General Quorning. Take that society! They just fall over again. So I got her a bag of Walkers crisps. Then again, I did have a strong curry for tea. If you lace it with enough antifreeze. And to add insult to injury, they even billed me for having to clean some tomato and pineapple off the ceiling. And I like Minstrels and Tangfastics. Scotch eggs must be absolute nightmares for vegetarians, they have death on the outside, and the potential for life within.

Thanks for that info, I now have a craving for some French toast. If there really were a food court, Taco Bell would almost certainly be found guilty. At a Family Barbecue, I ended up falling out with everyone because not one of them even gave my girlfriend a chance they just stared at her black skin, I had to eat most of her myself. I always sleep with a carrot underneath my pillow just in case there is a power cut.

I spat it out once and it was in the shape of a dead baby. I now have a zest for life. He has all sorts of problems. Then it became clear to me. I took it with a pinch of salt. It makes sense that non-alcoholic drinks are called virgins, because I stopped being one as soon as I started getting alcohol in me too.

As a result of the worst UK economic forecast since the days of ration books, chancellor George Osborne has asked the EU to extend the 5 second rule. Bud bud. Only got halfway through before I was sick. I tried, but they only had double chocolate flavour at the petrol station. A Korean meat factory has exploded.

It rained dogs. Korea — The only place you can do a chicken doggy style Food and Drink. If you have 16 pints you get a free bucket to vomit in. About as much nutritional value as taking a dump in your own mouth.

So I bought her a toasted sandwich maker. Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. Tell that to my wife when it comes to foreplay. We had a sweep steak. Then casually opening a dirty pot and scooping a load of slimy grey threads of sweaty, greasy meat for you to eat instead. I just ordered a Happy Meal and got a bag of anti-depressants.

The neighbourhood kids just love them. If smoking makes you thin and drinking makes you fat, then I have a perfectly Healthy and balanced diet.

Industry experts are worried about the apple turnover. Maybe we should ask the delivery guy to pick up the paramedic on the way? He came back with a pint of John Smiths. I was bitterly disappointed. Food fetishists are coming for dinner tonight. It turned out there was nothing in It. After a few mouthfuls I called the waiter over.

I always thought you had to put ricin. Two thirds of the time it will be goat meat Food and Drink. Quiche to their own. I knew that insects were considered a delicacy in some countries but I never appreciated it myself until I went to Bangkok and was served a Big Mac and flies.

Otherwise my anorexia will worsen. Turns out it was Trevor McDonald. Had a Boiled egg for my tea. That moment during a meal when the fat person is the only one who orders dessert. He will be missed Peri-Peri much. Because nothing makes people want to catch an extremist more than the taste of coconut smothered in smooth milk chocolate. He says he is a cereal monogamist. Peking Chef. Alo Gobi. He was gutted. Is that a banana in your pocket or is it another type of fruit or something?

Is it me, or is Turkish delight very Moorish? Finally after all this time they are banning vuvuzelas in football grounds. I can now safely confirm that eggs are best friend or scrambled. That's a bit of an exaggeration I thought. You can't really consider it as food. Sit down in the shower. An Oreo… I ate the bottom bit. The vegetable for fat people. Well you know what they say, Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues Food and Drink.

I went to a restaurant that served Ethiopian food today, when they brought out my plate it had nothing on it. So, I always cook them first. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, and a clove of garlic a day keeps everyone away. But they chose a different hamburger stall. I opted for steak. Chile shockwave. Kind of like the beer then. I told her to relish It. Its naan-fiction. Please korma down. Apparently buying a toaster was not the right idea. Unfortunately they just made the cake rubbery.

Lamb Shank — The art of killing sheep Food and Drink. Speak now or forever hold your pizza. If you put all four boxes in at once, you nearly get a full portion.

Being interrogated by the police and ordering a sandwich at Subway are strikingly similar. So American company Kraft have bought Cadburys?

It was reported that they based this decision on the popular TV adverts Cadburys produce. Although Kraft did think they were buying drum playing gorillas… Food and Drink. They are going to call it: A Taste of Punan. I met a group of them at the pub and it was nothing but torque, torque, torque. She crumbled. I think a fiver a month to Weight Watchers is fair enough for their advice. It might affect the sales of their premium range.

I took the wife to a restaurant. We ordered our food and wait ages for the order to arrive. Finally a young man arrives and places the order on our table. I hear when John James got out of the Big Brother house, the first thing he wanted to do was put a shrimp on the Barbie. Ladle vice. My wife just left me. Love it. I accidently left my lunch in the car today.

Yay I just brought a bag of air for 75p from the shop!! I got 7 crisps free! There was a turn up at the funeral" Food and Drink. Turned out I was wrong: the minute they saw the dog they became so friendly; they even said they had a special place for him in the kitchen.

It was covered in disgusting ranch, so I stared at the salad, undressing it with my eyes. Pig 2: You remember Madeleine McCann? Somewhere between that and chicken. Last time I buy Whine gums. Chase it round the garden. Be yourself. Unfortunately, all the packs in my local shop were just regular size. Stupid Parrot never gets the bacon right. He had the inside bit again. If anybody knows any good salad Jokes then lettuce know Food and Drink. I like drinking in Free houses, but tougher squatting laws have made it very difficult.

Sleep is like coffee for people who have too much time on their hands. There was a Family of Wotsits driving along and they see another Family. We know who you are……so do you……. When I got run over by a tank. The Hoes are always with the Spades. Here in Britain, men go down to the garden shed to get away from the kids and their mother. But if I was a gardener, I would be raking it in. The team was in Dover and they put in a nice selection of bedding plants and a small box hedge.

It turns out he is what they use to roll the lawn. By 5pm I should be ready to harvest it again. By 6pm I think I will be about ready to kill myself. Oh well, at least my cottons coming along nicely. I said yes, you would too if you had prostate cancer. Added too much water to the soil. I was going to start jet washing my lawn from 30 meters away this summer anyway. But I lost the plot. As I walked through the garden today I tripped and landed in the herb section.

Surprisingly, I broke all of my ribs along with some fingers and both wrists. I guess I must have fallen on hard thymes. The Family dog is happy to bury his bone in either. The next morning, I found several Israeli children running around my yard. It was to be expected, I suppose. The seeds I bought were Jew-nippers. I ate what I thought was an onion. Turned out 2 be a daffodil bulb.

Should be out by spring. A bad gardener always blames their tools. What's small, grey, sits in the corner and constantly takes the piss? A kidney dialysis machine. Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre. Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Ive posted this elsewhere: Its in Belfast in the time of the troubles: A man breaks his glasses, and goes into an Opticians: and say "can you repair these? How do you make a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until it's bill withers. I say - have you finished your chores? What chores? Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down. The Yanks have missed an opportunity by calling off the New York Marathon because half of it is flooded and there's no transport links.

We Brits would have merely renamed it the New York Triathlon. They say they can no longer trust any children's TV star who claims to be able to fix it.

One night, a native American drank cups of tea, and in the morning he was found dead in his teepee. I see that my inbox has an advert for branded Viagra. Apparently, they let you roger more. Ive posted this on another thread before, but still good for a laugh: Its in Belfast during the troubles, and a man breakes his specticles: He goes into an Opticians, and say "can you repair these" The Optician say "no, but we can board them up".

Have I posted this before? When he returns the doctor say" do you want the good news or the bad news? The doctor say "you are going to have a disease named after you". How long have I got doc? I just quit my job at teh helium balloon factory.

Well, I refuse to be spoken to like that. Two blokes were caught at a firework display, one of them was eating fireworks while the other drank battery acid. The cops charged one and let the other one off. Puzzled me too. Have I told my Return of the Mac k story here before? Some years ago, my husband whose surname begins with Mac- was working away from home and getting back on Friday nights just in time to go out for a drink.

Our favourite bar at the time used to play that song a lot. When this happened on a Friday night, he used to say, quite audibly in front of a barload of people, "They're playing my song. Faeces of hate! Quasimodo walks into a pub: Quasi: "Double whisky, please" Barman: "Bells alright? Vladimir: So what did you do last night?

Estragon: I wrote a scathing review of a famous Broadway musical and had a curry. Vlad: Biryani? Est: No, South Pacific. A man walked into a bar, took out a tiny piano, a small stool and about a foot tall man out of his bag and went to get a drink while the height-challenged man sat on the stool and started playing the piano.

The ever curious bartender asked the man what was going on. I went for a walk one day, saw this lamp lying on the side of the road so I polished it out of curiosity and out came a genie that told me it would grant me one wish The bartender started polishing it and the genie popped out.

Soon a duck walked into the bar and then another. Soon the bar was full of ducks. You mean to tell me that this genie is How did you think I ended up with a 12 inch pianist? A man and woman were sitting next to each other at a bar. What are you celebrating? A slick womaniser, or a flirt?

How's that embarassing? Apparently it means "pimp" in some places Sorry, my mistake, I was reading the google hits from urbandictionary and only half read the definition for 'Mack Truck'.

Now that I look again it just seems peculiar rather than embarrassing. It comes from the French 'maquereau' meaning mackerel alluding to the shiny suits they habitually wear. An Eskimo is sitting in his kyak catching fish.

It gets really cold though. After he gets back in town he buys an oil heater to keep warm and puts it in the kyak and sets out again. Of course I should have substituted Inuit for Eskimo. Right now. Still waiting then, misosoup? An American aboriginal youth was unhappy with his name and asked his parents to let him change it, but they would not. So, he went to the tribe's chief and asked him if he would allow him to change his name.

The Chief said, "Since time immemorial, we have chosen our children's name by the sacred method. It is inviolable! You know that when your mother looked out of her tipi on the third day of your life, the first thing she saw became your name.

You have known this for the 18 years of your life! Why now do you ask to change your name, Shitting Dog? Who said anything about fighting? There are 2 ducks celebrating 50 years of marriage. The male duck decides he will treat his wife to a night in town and stay in posh hotel. They have a great evening, no expense is spared.

Back at the hotel they order room service. The attendant knocks on the door, and the male duck invites him in. The attendent uncovers the Silver Platter to reveal a condom. The attendant asks "would sir like this on his bill". The duck replies "what do you think I am? Some kind of pervert? I was in a Chinese restaurant and a duck came up and said: Your eyes are limpid pools of desire.

I said to the waiter No, no! I asked for aromatic duck. The Lone Ranger was finally caught by 'them pesky injuns' and buried up to his neck prior to despatching. The chief offered him a last request. He wanted to talk to Silver his faithful steed. He whispers in Silver's ear and it takes off in the direction of town. Silver comes back with a large lady who dismounts and straddles Lone Rangers face. I said run into town and bring back a big posse! JosephPublican - I don't get it.

Posse - pussy. Is the implication that the horse was deaf but why , stupid but why? A Hymie joke: if you dont like them, turn away now: Hymie, whose 80, wakes up one morning in pain, and decides to go to the doctor: the doctor examines him, and says, Hymie, youve got Syphillis: and Hymie says at 80, cant be: and the doctor says, yes it Syphillis: heres a prescription and go down to Boots in Golders Green : so Hymie sets off to Boots and is saying to himself, "Im 80 and Ive got Syphillis, Ive got Syphillis at Is the idea of oral sex funny in itself?

The word "pussy"? The absurdity of one who is to be executed making a bid for release but receiving, instead of freedom, merely an opportunity to pay for cunnilingus? I'll sleep on it. Penguin takes his car to the garage. Mechanic says let me have a look, it'll take 30 minutes. Penguin goes out and buys himself an ice cream cone to pass the time. It's hard to eat a cone with flippers, so the penguin makes a mess of himself. When he returns the mechanic looks up at him and says "looks like you blew a seal".

Penguin horrified says "no, it's ice cream". This is from the Aristocrats. There's an audition for piano player at a very exclusive "bar. What was that? I wrote it! A guy walks into a bar. The bartender is a really beautiful woman. So he says: "Well wash your hands then. I want a cheese sandwich. I pondered the apparently random distribution of quotation marks myself I had a similar problem with the 2 ducks joke up thread. Perhaps I should have just rewritten it instead.

If you'd edited it, it would have been just another long-winded crappy joke. As it was it was a long-wided crappy joke with superfluous quotation marks. Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door.

He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come Thank you!

I'll be alright. Thanks again. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear? Just gonna be the two of us. I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van going past.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself "that guy's heading for a breakdown". Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. Doctor: "I've got some good news and some bad news. Joke told by a year-old German: What sweeties do Turkish kids eat?

Halal bovine gelatin: "Especially in Germany, Turkish and Muslim population, there are lots of Halal Haribo products offered for sale in European countries, the production of Haribo Turkey, and is used only halal bovine gelatin. Does not contain pork gelatin Halal Haribolar produced is consumed by Muslims with peace of mind. Often sold to Turkish and Arab markets. These products are also sold at the Arab countries.

The existence of halal Haribo makes me smile. Maybe there is hope for mankind. Except for the cruelty. You do know they hang the haribos up by their feet, slit their throats with a rusty saw and let them blood to death, before sticking them in the airtight bags? All white Haribo have been bled to death. Red Haribo have been boiled alive. Yellow Haribo, well, we won't go there. Lionel Richie is opening a butchers in Alum Rock, Birmingham. It's going to be called Halal, is it meat you're looking for?

God only knows why but I got a laugh out of that one but just started reading this thread so I am sure there is more to come. Really worried about my brother, I think he's addicted to brake fluid but he reckons he can stop anytime. That's odd. I'm really worried about my sister. I think she's a nymphomaniac, but she reckons she can give it up anytime. I woke up thinking I was a dog: went to a psychiatrist: he said "lay on the couch" I said "Im not allowed on the couch" Thank you - Tommy Cooper.

Two hands in a breast exam. One says, "This is embarrassing" and the other says, "You're telling me! I'm feeling a right tit. What's pink, wrinkly, and hangs out your trousers? On laundry day. As a treat, and to allay complaints that I'm a skinflint, I took the family out for tea and biscuits.

That's the NHS stocked up on O neg. If you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other, what do you have? Kermit's undivided attention. How many folkies does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the bulb, one to sing about how good the old one was.

The party in Alaska one is a good joke, garrick. And there's been at least a couple of others. The first emerges from the interview giving the thumbs up and the second goes in. You say you're a turf cutter and we don't need any'. He says he's a pilot. I cut it, and he piles it. A teacher in Ireland asked the class which of them knew what 'contagious' meant, and to give examples. Margaret said that her father, a policeman, had told her that trouble in football crowds was contagious.

The teacher was equally pleased. Seamus said that it was all to do with roofs. The teacher was intrigued and asked what he meant. Seamus said that his father, a builder, had quoted to put a new roof on a barn and the farmer had said it was too expensive and opted to do the job himself. I've already posted that one! They turn up, one of them is naked, with his cock in a jug of creme Anglaise.

The other is dressed simply in boxer shorts. The host answers their knock at the door and asks, "WTF? If a bra is an upper decker flopper stopper and a jock strap is a lower decker knacker backer, and a gilt edge toilet roll is a super duper pooper scooper. Then what to you call a Japanese Karati expert whose father has dysentry? A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy.

He'd come in his pants. Two sperms swim side by side for a while, turn round, swim back along the same line, turn head to head and then swim backwards. As soon as they are 1mm away from each other, they stop dead. Strictly come dancing. Les Dawson: "me and the missus - we were very happy for the first 20 years: and then we met.

I keep thinking I'm a moth! That's terrible! But, why come to me, I'm a dentist! Your light was on. The foreman meets him for a chat, and hearing his accent, thinks "fahkin 'ell, I bet he's shit-for-brains like all them Paddies. No problem said Mick, i will leave right away and. Finally, at twenty past twelve a cloud of dust appears across the desert. Then , a battered truck appears in a cloud of smoke and dust. The truck drives straight at the fire , right. The fire goes out. The sheik is amazed.

Thanks said Mick. First thing im going to do,sa. A play based on the Diary of Anne Frank is staged. Unfortunatley, the actress who plays her is not very good. One night, when the Gestapo come to search the house, someone in the audience shouts out," She is behind thr bookcase".

People say I'm mad for swallowing an abacus, but I tell them it's what's inside that counts. I was stealing things in the supermarket yesterday whilst balanced on the shoulders of vampires.

Got charged with shoplifting on three counts. Third time lucky. So the missis says I need a new winter coat, I sez yer right love, get down the shops and pick out something nice, just for god's sake don't get caught Jimell wanted to cremated, and his ashes used to fill etch-a-sketch toys.

That way he can carry on being rubbed off by kids. One was a rich businessman and he told the other, a poor factory worker, that he'd bought his wife a Bentley and a 5 carat diamond solitaire for Christmas. A man is charged with having sex at Aintree, at Beechers Brook. He asked for twenty three other fences to be taken into account. This one I overheard in the queue at the civic centre.

The guy telling it was a lot better at it than me; he had half the queue in stitches. A young woman goes to the doctors, and sits down with her GP. Blushing, she says, "Doctor, I am concerned about a delicate matter - a chafing sensation in my private parts.

Could you please let me know if there is anything that needs medical attention? She knocks on the door. A much younger man opens the door. How can I help? I spoke to your colleague and he said this might be more your thing. I've got a big of an itch downstairs. Can you take a look? Stands up, blushing, and whistles. It looks like you've got a mole right near your, er, man in the boat.

I'm really not sure what to do about it. But there's a bloke at the end of the hall, he's a bit eccentric, but I'm told he can fix anything. If you speak to him, I'm sure he'll see you right. Just make sure you're very, VERY specific. She knocks on the door and it swings wide open. A furtive spectacled oddball stares at her. Thinking she can't really afford to piss about anymore she just lets rip. It's driving me mad. You've got to help me! Get it off! Taken aback the doctor fumbles around in a cupboard and pulls out a torch on a bandana, puts it on his head, pulls up her skirt, closes his eyes, counts to three, and has a good nose round.

OK, I B-but, are you sh-sure you An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!

Take these pills and come back next week. Now we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing. Geordie was up in court, for sheep bothering.